Whatever That Means
by dagnytheartist
Summary: Squidward is pretty sure that Patrick and Spongebob are gay. And this bothers him a lot. Why don't THEY have demons that bug THEM in the middle of the night? Rated T for some swearing.


Once upon a stupid morning Squidward was watering his flowers, painting pictures, and practicing his clarinet. The usual stuff that made him happy. Well, it would have made him happy except for Squidward wasn't happy. He would have had the same expression if he were shoveling snail manure.

So why was he in an angry mood? The same reason he always was. Patrick and Spongebob were doing something harmless and stupid next door. It didn't matter which house. They were always making up weird games with loose board game pieces, always looking for algea and putting it in jars, jellyfishing. They never grew out of their childlike attitudes. _Spongebob. Is. Thirty._ Shouldn't he have stopped looking for algea back when he was, like, ten? Who in Bikini Bottom still does that?

Besides Patrick, of course.

Most people, even the ones like Squidward who get sick of Spongebob's attitude, don't understand why Squidward gets upset just because they _exist._ Well, Squidward could tell you why, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't be able to speak his mind on this subject. It made him too depressed. He would just say "it's annoying" in his monotone and move on, or stay on the "it's annoying" factor.

On many nights before he would go to sleep, if he wasn't thinking about why he should demand a raise or if he should move tomorrow, he would stay awake and wonder about the funny world he lived in. A world where a sponge and a starfish, who were ten years younger than him, could live exactly as they wanted to and not be hurt. Walking gay pride parades. They don't hide a thing.

It was painfully obvious they were in a relationship. Eventually, Squidward was going to have to go up to Spongebob and tell him...

_Tell him what?_ Squidward's demons taunted him. _That he's "wrong"? That he's messed up for being who he is?_

"No!" Squidward yelled at the demons. He then mumbled "And he _is _messed up, but for a million other reasons."

_So what do you want? Pity? _Squidward pulled the blankets over himself in fear. _You want to tell them both how you've been jealous about their relationship? And how you've spent your whole life being mocked for who you are, while they're loved by everyone over the very same thing?_

"Shut up!" Squidward curled up into a ball. "I don't want that! I just-"

"Advice?" His voice was in a whisper now. "No, that's stupid! But I can't -Spongebob wouldn't -well, he would, but how could I show my face to him ever again?"

"There there, it's okay!"

Squidward screamed. It was the early morning, and Spongebob was in his room, patting him on the head. Let me repeat that: _In his room. Patting him on the head._ What he had been doing, breaking and entering in his house, was a mystery to Squidward until now. Sadly, this was far from the only time Spongebob has done this.

"Get out of my house!" Squidward yelled, pointing to the door. No wait, that was the window. Oh, what did it matter, Spongebob probably came in through the window anyway.

Spongebob looked concerned. "You mumble a LOT in your sleep."

Squidward's eyes widened. "W-What did I say?"

"You wanted advice."

"Oh." Squidward was a little bit relieved, but still worried if Spongebob had heard too much. "Is that why you showed up, to give me advice?"

Spongebob laughed. Oh God, _that laugh_. Thankfully it was just a giggle's worth of time. "No, silly, I was already here! I was looking for, um..." He looked around the floor, and smiled again. He bent over and picked up a squeaky toy under Squidward's bed. "This!" He did a little happy dance. "Ha! Spongebob 12, Patrick 15! I'm catching up again!"

Squidward rolled his eyes. Another stupid game. "Fine! You found your toy!" He closed his eyes to go back to sleep. "Now leave already!"

"But Squidward," Spongebob walked to the side of the bed which Squidward was facing. "I never gave you that advice!"

Squidward groaned. "Okay, what is it?"

"Um..." Spongebob shrugged. "You never told me what it's about."

Squidward blushed a little bit. How would he explain this to Spongebob? Maybe he knew nothing of the world of hate around him. Maybe he would have no idea what Squidward was talking about. But that was wishful thinking compared to what would happen if Spongebob _did _know what he was talking about. Squidward took a deep breath and thought about what he was going to say. Thankfully, Spongebob wasn't pressing on how long Squidward was taking.

"You and Patrick." He started. So far he was in the ball park.

Spongebob brightened up. "Oh, you want Patrick here too?"

Squidward had a freakout. "ACK! No! No! No!" But Spongebob had already leapt from the window, and two seconds later

**Narrator: Two Seconds Later**

(Was that really necessary?) Ahem, two seconds later, Spongebob had brought Patrick with him to give Squidward advice.

"What can I do for you, my good man?" Patrick hovered over Squidward and put on a convincing "I know better than you" face. Squidward wasn't convinced. He knew in a second Patrick would go back to being an idiot as soon as he asked a question.

"Well," Squidward sat up. "I didn't mean I wanted Patrick here too, but I guess we might as well throw a party for what I'm about to say!"

"OK!"

"No!" Squidward pulled on Spongebob's shirt before he could run off to make the "party" appear. "I was being sarcastic! I don't want a party!"

"Huh?" Spongebob stopped and looked confused. "Well, okay then, no party. But Patrick and I can still give you some good advice."

Patrick pulled out a chair, a notepad, a pencil, and glasses. Squidward assumed this was Patrick's way of looking like a shrink. "Does the subject," Patrick started, "have to do with spitting?"

"No."

"Does it have to do with spinning around in circles?"

"No."

"Oh that's a lot of fun!" Spongebob pointed out. "Maybe we should talk about that later! Um, does it have to do with making Krabby Patties?"

"For the last time, no!" Squidward sighed. Why did he ever think this could work out well. "I want to know how you-" He paused.

Spongebob and Patrick's eyes were focused. "How you what?" they asked.

"How- um, how _you_, as in both of you, go around being... gay."

Squidward had never said the word "gay" before. Back when he was being bullied, everyone used the word "homosexual," and never in the same tone for normal stuff. The word was always whispered, like a huge, terrible secret.

Spongebob and Patrick looked confused. "What's 'gay'?" Patrick asked Spongebob.

Spongebob paused for a little bit. "Did- Did you mean 'happy' or did you mean like, ho-"

Squidward groaned. "I meant _gay_, dumbasses! Gay as in homo! Queer! 'Cause you two can just prance around like the big sissies you are and everyone knows that you like to kiss boys!"

"Kiss _boys_?" Patrick and Spongebob said at once. They turned to each other and cringed at the same time.

"Ew, I would never kiss a boy!" Spongebob said.

"Me neither!" Patrick frowned with disgust.

"I don't think I know _that_ type of person," Spongebob started, "But I certainly wouldn't want to hang around _them_!"

"Gross!"

Squidward blushed and stared at the covers. Or the walls. Anywhere but his neighbors. "Yeah, uh... me neither. Heh heh." Squidward layed down again and sighed. "Never mind guys, you can go now, I guess you aren't -uh, whatever. Bye!"

"Bye Squidward!" Patrick smiled again as he left, but Spongebob still looked mad. "What's wrong, buddy?" Patrick asked, as they were back in the pinneapple.

"What's wrong?" Spongebob made a sound of disgust. "Squidward thought we were peadophiles! Can you imagine?"

"Oh, is that what the word is?" Patrick asked. "I thought the word was 'gay.'"

"No, you're thinking of guys who love other guys. Squidward was talking about those sickos who like kids and... ugh, I don't even... and then they go to jail and therapy."

"Thank God there aren't any of those around." Spongebob and Patrick continued to play _Sorry,_ using pawns and a couple of knights in place of the missing pieces, but Squidward's words were still on their minds.

"Spongebob?"

"Yeah, Patrick?"

"Should we get Squidward a girlfriend?"

Spongebob laughed. "Yeah, but then he wouldn't have the time to hang out with us!"

"But he'd probably like that."

"Eh, sure." Spongebob rolled the dice, since most of the _Sorry _cards were missing too. "Maybe we'll ask Sandy how to get Squidward a girlfriend."

"But I thought you knew how to get one."

Spongebob stopped his piece and looked up. "Uh, not _exactly_."

"Well, I can't do it! I'm gay."

Spongebob was surprised. "You? Really?"

"Uh, yeah, unless I'm using the word wrong. Am I?"

"I... I don't think so," Spongebob handed the dice to Patrick. "I thought you were the one attracted to women."

"That's funny, I thought you were."

Spongebob and Patrick avoided eye contact.

"Well," Spongebob started. "This got awkward."

"You want to kiss?"

Spongebob looked up and frowned. "Ew, no!"

"I'm just kidding!" Patrick said. "Hey, I win!"

Spongebob looked at the end. "No, you only got one piece in checkmate!"

"Checkmate?"

"I mean- wow, I have no idea what we're playing anymore!"

They sat in the middle of the floor in silence. Then Patrick smiled. "Tag, you're it!" He touched Spongebob and ran away laughing.

"No fair! That's not-" Spongebob never finished his thought. He sat up and ran to tag Patrick back.

**The End**

**Author's note: This was the first Spongebob story I ever made, so I hope everyone was in character. Thank you for reading this and let me know what you think. **


End file.
